


If Only I had

by OmissionSoul



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Possible feels ride I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:49:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10956252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmissionSoul/pseuds/OmissionSoul
Summary: A One Shot inspired by two songs. Crenny- Rated T for language.





	If Only I had

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by these two songs.
> 
> [Terrible Things - Mayday Parade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAplLy3tzmI)
> 
> [No Control - Set It Off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=659pPvzPzoQ)
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy!

It's a cold, dull, cloudy day. And I feel the cold winter air sting my face. I exhale a breath and see the heat from my mouth dissipate into the coldness. I hear a familiar sound go off and look down at my pocket, pulling out my cellphone a bit to see an unknown caller calling me yet again. I stare at it for a moment before putting it back into my pocket and not answering. I know who it is, but I just can't bring myself to answer. I push myself up off the railing I was leaning on and turn and walk away from the viewing area that over looks the town and head off down towards a street.

It's quiet and I get lost in thought, when I hear a sudden, "Hey!" break the silence, I look up, and see Clyde walking fast towards me.

"Fuck," I mummer.

"Yo! When are you going to stop aimlessly walking around and go and see him already?!" he yells at me angrily, and I avoid his glaring gaze, " Are you going to answer me?!" his annoyance growing with me when I don't answer."Look you-" he gets cut off.

"Hey guys," I look to see that now both Stan and Kyle are here and are coming over, "what's up?" Stan asks.

"Nothing..." I respond and push past Clyde.

"Hey! Wait-" Clyde starts again, and I take off running, not wanting to hear about what I already know.

I eventually stop and catch my breath near a street lamp, I turn around when I hear footsteps coming up from behind me, and see that it's Kyle.

"Kenny?" he asks trying to catch his own breath, "Are you okay?"

"...Yeah," I respond, he looks at me.

"Are you sure?" he asks approaching me.

"Yes," I tell him.

"Then why did you run away?" I avoid his gaze, he hesitates for a moment before saying, "...Was it about about going to visit-"

I cut him off, "Kyle."

"Sorry..." he says apologetically, "But, why don't you go and visit him?"

I feel myself getting a bit tense on this subject, "Because."

"Because why?" he asks wanting me to elaborate on it, when I don't' however, he lets out a sigh, " Kenny, I don't know why you can't just go and see him, I mean don't you-"

"Because!" I bite out cutting him off, "Maybe I don't want to see him attached to all that stupid machinery! And looking so goddamn ill alright?!" Kyle's eyes widen and he seems a bit taken aback by my sudden outburst and silence falls between us briefly.

"Kenny I-" he starts, but I don't want to hear it.

"Just forget it," I tell him, cutting him off again and turning and walking away.

He doesn't follow after me this time.

...

I open the door to my bedroom and enter. I spot a hole in the wall and stare at it briefly and remember the swirl of frustration, anger and fear I felt before creating it. I look away and head over to my bed and flop down onto it. I let out a heavy sigh and face the ceiling. "I hate life," I mumble aloud to myself, although I didn't always used to think that. I close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts, the past.

I remember hanging out with a friend, Craig. We got along pretty well, despite some fights we had, but, what friendship doesn't have a few of those. We had been friends for many years by now and... I started to notice how my chest would get tight whenever I was around him. I soon realized after a while what it was I felt for him. And decided, one day, that I was going to tell him how I felt regardless of how he would react.

I wanted him to know.

But, before I could even get a word out and tell him... He collapsed onto the ground and had passed out. I had no idea why, I thought maybe it was food deprivation or dehydration, but no... It was worse than that, way worse.

He was sick.

He called me after waking up in hospital and told me. When I asked for how long he just said 'awhile now.' He had been sick for however long now and I hadn't even noticed it. I never noticed. Ever. That was two and a half weeks ago, he's been in the hospital since that day because his sickness took a turn and they want to keep him stabilized.

I open my eyes halfway, and remember how Clyde has gone to visit him a bunch of times and tells me that whenever he goes, Craig would ask about me. He's starting to get frustrated that I won't just go and see him. But, I can't bear the idea of seeing him lying in a hospital bed attached to a machine and looking so ill. I just can't.

I pull out my cell phone and look at it, Two missed calls I sigh and put an arm over my eyes blocking out any light in the room. I think to myself how terrible I am that I can't even answer his calls anymore without feeling like I might just break down and cry hearing his voice.

When it's me who suffers pain and dies I'm alright with it for the most part, yeah it sucks having to feel pain each and every time, but at least I know I'll be back in the end. Hell, I even went through a similar situation like this once but... Seeing someone close to me, and someone that I care about so much go through this, I just can't bring myself to go and see him, it hurts too much. Even thinking about this all, hurts too fucking much. I roll over to my side and don't want to think anymore, and begin to feel myself drift off to sleep instead.

...

I wake up to the sound of loud buzzing next to my ear. I look to see it's my cellphone vibrating, and see that it's Kyle calling. I decide to answer it to ask him what he wants at- I look at the clock, 2:35am.

I answer the call, "What?" I groan annoyed.

"Kenny! Finally! Clyde tried to call and tell you, but says you're not answering any of his calls, so he asked me to do it instead-"

I cut him off annoyed by where I think this is headed, "Look if you're going to start on me about-"

"Craig's condition has gotten worse," he suddenly tells me, and I feel my heart drop. "I've been trying to reach you for the past forty-five minutes now. Clyde had called me and told me that Craig's sister told him, that Craig's condition suddenly got worse and they're not sure why. He's in critical condition right now," I feel the world spin around me suddenly and then a sudden urge arises. "Kenny? Are you ther-" I hang up, my body rushing with fear and adrenaline. I get up and rush out of my room heading straight for the hospital.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

I arrive at the hospital and rush to the reception desk in his wing, "Can you tell what room Craig Tucker is in please?!" I yell out urgently.

"Are you family?" the woman behind the desk asks, and I feel frustrated by it.

"Look can you tell me or not?!"

She looks at some papers and replies, "I'm sorry sir, but that patient isn't allowed visitors at the moment right now. They are currently in surgery-"

"Where?!" I ask desperately.

The receptionist looks at me for a moment before saying, "In the emergency wing," and I take off running in search of it, "sir?!" she shouts after me.

When I reach the emergency wing, I begin frantically looking around for whatever sign I can to find him, where, Where, WHERE, I think hear someone say his last name, a nurse, rushing down the hall, I follow them. They enter a room, I end up following them right into the room in my adrenaline rush state of mind. And I get spotted right away.

"Excuse me sir you can't be in here," One of the nurses tells me just as I spot him on the operating table.

"Craig!" I shout out, and before I make another move, I am grabbed by some of the assistants in the room, "No! Let me go!" I struggle to break free, "Craig!"

"Sir, you need to leave," One of the assistants holding me back says.

"Craig!" I yell again, "No! Let me see him! Please!" I beg.

"Get him out of here!" The surgeon at the table orders, and I am forced out of the room.

...

I find myself sitting in the waiting area sometime later, after I've calm down a bit and am told I'll be notified when he's out of surgery. I feel myself fidgeting constantly and unable to sit still. The waiting is driving me nuts and I can't stop thinking about needing to see him.

"So now you show up?" my train of thought is interrupted suddenly and I glance up to see a highly irritated Clyde. "When it's the last possible second you choose to show up? When it might already be to-"

"Shut up!" I scream, "Don't you think... That I already know that?" I clench one of my hands into a fist and hold it with the other, trying to keep myself calm.

"Then why did you wait so long?"

"I was afraid," I tell him, again avoiding his harsh glare.

"Of what?" he asks, sparing no sympathy.

"Of seeing him like that, all sick and frail, it scares me... And I didn't want to remember him like that."

Clyde is silent for a moment before he speaks again, "That may be how you feel, but, had you even stop to think about how he felt during all of this?" my eyes widen and I look at him, " Do you have any idea how many times he asked to see you? But all you did was think about yourself, it was pretty selfish of you."

My gaze falls, "I know..." I reply.

He let's out a long sigh, "Come on then, let's go see how's he's doing."

I look at him a bit confused, " Isn't he still in surgery?"

"He's out right now, but his condition is still a bit unsteady, his family is with him right now." he explains.

I stand up, "I wasn't told he was out," I say irritated.

"That's probably because you busted in on his surgery like a psycho," he tells me.

"Oh... So, you uh- heard about that?" I say awkwardly.

"The whole damn hospital has heard of it," he informs me as we walk down a hall.

We reach his room and go in, there are three people standing around a hospital bed. Craig's mother, father and sister. His mother and sister look up at us, but his his father keeps his gaze trained downwards onto the bed. Clyde offers a weak smile to them as we walk over, and there lying in the hospital bed, I see Craig. It takes me a moment to take in the whole sight, and I try my best to stay calm both for my sake and his family's.

"How's he doing?" Clyde asks.

Craig's mother shakes her head, "Not so well, but I'm sure he'd be glad that you came to see him," she says with a sad smile, Clyde returns it. She looks at me, and I too return the sad smile.

I want to say something to Craig but feel a bit awkward saying it with his family around, I think Clyde senses this because the next thing he says is, "Is it alright if we have a moment to talk to him?"

The mother nods her head and gestures for the father and sister to leave the room. When they leave, I approach the side of Craig's bed and lightly hold his hand in mine, Clyde walks away giving me some privacy.

"Hey there Craig, I'm not sure if you can hear me or not but... I know that it took me awhile to finally getting around to coming and seeing you, and I know that I've been acting like a jerk too recently, but I promise to try and not be one anymore okay?" I squeeze his hand a bit, "I'm sorry."

I look at him for a few seconds, his eyes closed with a breathing tube connecting to his nose, and an IV tube connected to his arm, with the subtle beeping of the cardiac monitor in the background. My chest tightening at the sight, I reach my free hand forward to his face and lightly touch his forehead, brushing some of his hair to the side a bit, and then bringing my hand down to his cheek and cupping it in my hand. A soft smile forming on my lips. I speak again in a much lower tone, " You know the other day when we were hanging out I wanted to tell you something, and I'm not sure how you'll take it but, I want you to know anyways. Craig I..." I lean down close to his ear not wanting anyone else to hear it.

"I love you."

I move away a bit, "I just wanted to let you know that," I say softly. And for a split moment I think I see a ghost of a smile almost appear across his lips before I hear a loud and long beep sound. I look to see that the cardiac monitor has flat lined.

I feel my heart sink and dread take over, " No..." I whisper out. Clyde rushes over, "No!" I shout feeling tears welling up in my eyes. Craig's family rushes back into the room to see what's happening. I feel the tears start to roll down my face and my vision starts blur, "No no no!" I yell.

This can't be happening! This can't be happening!

CRAIG!

...

It's another cold, dull, cloudy day as I find myself leaning against the railing in the viewing area that over looks the town again. I blow out a huff of hot air from my mouth and watch it dissipate once again. I close my sore puffy eyes and recollect what happened last night.

I remember being told to leave the room after a nurse had come rushing in, I remember a doctor coming and telling us all the news of Craig passing away after they tried their best to resuscitate him and he remained unresponsive, I remember crying, a lot of it.

I take another breath, He died, and exhale it, he's dead, and there's not one single fucking thing I could've done to help him. Not one fucking thing. How I wish, I could've given him my immortality, or switch places with him, or something, anything, But there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do to help him.

I feel myself get lost in my guilt and regret, thinking of; if only I had gone to see him more, or, if only I had spent more time with him, instead of be a afraid, or, how if only I had...

Kissed him.

I feel the tears begin to well up again, stinging at my eyes. I look up to the sky, trying to will them away. When another thought pops up in my head, and I wonder if maybe he was hanging on to life to see me again, or for me to see him once more. If so, a part of me feels like I shouldn't have gone to see him. No, he was in pain, I'm sure of it, that would've been selfish of me to do, if I had done that.

I close my eyes, "Craig, I'm sorry," I whisper out to myself, "if only I understood your feelings more," I feel a cold breeze go by and open my eyes and watch as a small leaf is carried away by the wind.

If only I had...


End file.
